Sooo

So last night was just a little dramatic. I was having a miniature melt down... my apologies! I was sitting in my room all by my lonesome with windows opened enjoying the perfect spring weather. I'm sure you understand. Have a wonderful day!

Moving on...

Is it really bad if you get bored with your own life? Wake up go to class, go to work, come home go to sleep. Wake up go to class, go to work come home go to sleep. I mean it would be natural for anyone to get bored with that right? I guess I've gone through a major change this year. I am so used to my schedule being hectic, busy and unpredictable I never knew what it would be like for the normal person. I have played sports since I was four years old. Baseball specifically was my favorite (still is) I grew up at the ballpark either watching my brother play or I was in the diamond. When i turned 11 i was no longer allowed to play baseball with the boys, so naturally I turned to softball... it wasn't an ideal situation due to the fact that there is nothing better than a guy in baseball pants, but I learned to deal with it. When I got to high school I loved softball more and more everyday but at the time it was still just something fun I loved to do... I never saw myself playing in college. I just wanted to enjoy it while I could and when it came time to graduate it would too be time to hang up the glove and cleats.

To my surprise my senior year rolled around and I had colleges trying to recruit me. WHOA you mean people thought I was good enough to play at the next level? With big scary softball girls that seem like twice my age!? OK! So the school I decided to go to was Northern Kentucky University (NKU) a division II school with an incredible athletic program... unfortunately that was not including the softball team. I went there and loved it! Softball drove me crazy but I loved every minute of being on a team and working towards a common goal. Waking up at 430 every morning was a huge drag and it sucked big time, four hour study tables a week was atrocious, and weights were a joke. We sucked for more than half of the year and the chances of us making it to the conference tournament was slim to none. But something happened, our team had a huge heart to heart right after losing a game against St. Joseph in Indiana and suddenly it all clicked we all started realizing what it would take to start winning. Fun. We were all so pissed at coach all the time we stopped playing for fun, we started playing just to shut her up (never worked) instead of that working she just got more and more pissed at us. I swear on everything she's like the freaking energizer bunny. So we got our act together and won the last half of the season which barely qualified us for the conference tournament. Peoria, Illinois is not the most fun place to be... but when you go as an underdog and every team that is playing there has beat you then you turn around and sweep the whole tournament... its a pretty fun place to be! Thats right. We won. We swept the whole tournament. teams that slaughtered us in the regular season we turned around and plowed over them and in the end we got the trophy. Hands down one of the happiest moments of my life. We won. Against all odds we won. After months and months of coach telling us we are "soft" and everything is "bullshit" we won. she was all smiles that day though. Big Kath (coach) was so proud. which in turn made us incredibly happy.

For my post season meeting with coach she told me how well she thought I did in the season and how much she looked forward to having me back for next season I had to break the news to her... I love softball more than anything in this world. But I need to come home. Call me a baby but I miss my family. Never did I think a decision would bother me so much. In the fall it didn't affect me too much I was doing alright... enjoying the time off for the first time in my life. Winter ran through and I was just praising God I didn't have to wake up for pool work outs at the crack of dawn and in the ice cold walk to class with my hair dripping wet and almost turning green from the chlorine. Even in the beginning of the spring semester I was still doing alright... but now. Now that the trees are blooming and the sun is out. Perfect ball weather... its hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate to be all dramatic and say this but its almost as if I dont know who I am anymore. I've let go of the only thing that would define me. I'm a ball player... thats what I am. Its what I do. What I did do at least... watching the 5:00 news the other night the UK softball team came on showing highlights from their game against Georgia... out of no where tears started streaming down my face. HOLY F am I seriously crying in the sports section of the news?!?! I AM soft! I stalk my old teams facebooks everyday just to see how they are doing... i also keep up with their schedule one the website to see the teams records and who did what in that week.

Do I regret my decision to come home?... I can't answer that. So much has happened this year it has made me being home worth it. I would have been miserable if I was away from my family in this hard time... but do I miss playing more than anything in this world?? yes. Its almost as if a huge piece of me is just gone... and I don't know what I could possibly do to get that back.

I miss the dirt in my hair... and the grass stains on my knees... I miss the strawberries from sliding into second on my hip... I miss the smell of leather on my hand... I miss the sound of the crack of the bat... I miss the easy outs... as well as the uncertainty of if I would be able to get to the ball before it drops... I miss the clutch plays... the clutch hits... double plays... diving catches... out of this world throws... I miss looking up to my teammates and learning something new from them everyday... I miss the way my face sounded smacking against the fence going after a ball (ouch!)... i miss the nail biting rally innings where big hits get you back into the game... I miss how good it felt when my pitcher just K a huge hitter... I miss coaches hour long speeches...(ok maybe I don't miss that) but I do miss everything the game has to offer. ballpark hotdogs... gatorade... water... hanging out in the dug out when my team is up to bat... the long road trips... I miss hanging out with my team... I miss it all.

I don't know who I am without it.