desensitized.

I understand its a difficult task to keep up with my crazy mind. truth of the matter is i have no idea what i'm thinking half of the time. some times i want to love Christ with my whole heart then i slip back into my daily routine and deny him over and over. i'm constantly letting myself down as well as Christ it hurts me then i just run and run until i am no longer able to allow myself to see it as a big deal.

i was sitting in bible study this morning and my teacher used a word that hit me spot on... DESENSITIZED... boom. thats it. i've become desensitized to the urgency of christ in my life. my mind and soul are screaming out for him yet my body doesnt move.

now, i should follow that up by saying this isnt the first time i've felt this way... as a matter of fact i have felt this way for an incredibly long time. i'm happy but i'm miserable. i'm sad but i'm laughing. i'm alone yet i'm surrounded. I understand that everyone has different levels to them... however, i'm pretty convinced i'm a certified psycho. true story. i think i'm insane. my mind doesn't work the way a normal persons does. i have barriers built up that make it nearly impossible for someone to know me. even people i've known for years and years and years and years dont have me figured out. just when I think i'll do one thing i shock myself and do the complete opposite. i'm constantly unsure of what my mind will think of or do next. there is never any rhyme or reason for doing the things i do or say. its safe to say i get stressed out.

in my mind i want christ to be the center of my life. i want to have that light in my eyes that used to be there... i need it. i used to know it so well. this is where that word i was talking about earlier comes into play. i dont know when or why it happened but at one point i became desensitized... not just to christ or his incredibly indescribably wonderful love for us but everything, everyone. i lost passion for most things i used to love. if you look in my eyes now and really focus you'll see a dullness. the fire has been gone. and i so deeply need it back. i want it back. i have no idea how to get it back. i tell myself i want to read the bible tonight and talk to God... fact is... i dont even know where to begin. i get started then i feel silly because i'm not getting direct results... apparently i want god resemble a microwave, put in for 3 1/2 minutes then open, stir and boom on fire. well... years have passed and i still have yet to figure out that isnt how things work. i believe its safe to say i'm a slow learner as well as i have lost the urgency to learn about christ's love.

so here i am. back at the place i always get to. wanting more. always wanting more. i truly do desire christ. and i know i can experience his love again... even though i'm terrified its too late. he's given up on me. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's standing directly behind me waiting for me to let go of what i've been holding onto and turn and fall into his arms. there are many things i would say i've held onto in the past but there are even fewer that i know for a fact that i can not give him a hug while holding onto these things. THINGS. not significant things that will go to heaven with me one day... just memories. my unwillingness to let go of something that can and never will be again. bitter? yeah, i guess you could say these few years i've struggled i've held onto bitterness... not towards anyone in particular just bitterness to everything. i was in a dark place this time last year... and i guess thats where it really began to go downhill for me and my relationship with christ. it had been a long time coming. i had been slowly backing away from christ for years now... slowly getting further and further away for no reason particular. i had just been around it my whole life and already "knew everything there was to know" i was such an idiot. i know me. i know i can spout of the most beautifully well spoken church answers better than anyone. while everyone is sitting and nodding their heads at my profound words, all the while i'm thinking that you guys are all idiots... i'm literally making up everything i'm saying. just saying whatever comes to mind but stringing the words together like a beautiful symphony. what.a.joke.

(that was a hefty paragraph)

i guess i've just been thinking a lot lately and really trying to face myself in my internal mirror. i hate what i see. i see an insincere, dull, heartless, and DESENSITIZED human being. who knows there is so much more to learn and who knows what its like to love christ and grow to be more like him and who is completely turning her back and pretending like it isnt really there. how lame.

this isnt even the direction i originally had when beginning this post... but well i think this is just another process for me to look in my internal mirrow... i am able to see my thoughts written down. its an outlet for me to let my mind say what it really needs to say without having the words flow from my mouth... am i tricking myself right now?? regardless... i want to change. i want to have "that fire in my eyes" in the words of casting crowns again. i'm pathetic, dull and empty on the inside. however, anyone else would say i'm alive, vibrant and full. i'm pretty tricky.

so i guess thats about all i have on that matter. i'm sure there will be plenty more where that came from. i'm going to try to blog more about my process and growth. you guys will be my friends. my community. as my great friend angie always ALWAYS tries to shove down my throat that i need a community. so maybe by me blogging it will fill the roll of my community... i mean after all, it is the worldwideweb... somebody is bound to read this... right?

toodaloo

I suck at this whole blogging thing.

SO... its been a while since I've checked in and caught you all up to speed on my life my faithful followers... aka... i'm venting to myself. nbd.(no.big.deal.)

Here is where I'm at:

I got a new job!!! WONDAFUL. I am now a make up artist at MAC. pumped. Love my life.

other than that school is about the only other thing I do with my life. Lord knows I'm not dating. Somewhat bitter somewhat content. it depends on the day... I have a lot of mixed emotions about it even still... you'd think after two years of being single I'd at least know how to feel about it. Truth is I'm still healing. Its a process. Everyday has proven to be completely different. Some days I'm totally fine with the situation, others I'm still deeply wounded. Questions run through my mind constantly about how, why and what if... some call this baggage... I just think its me being thorough. I'd rather just be single and deal with all this now than dive into a relationship with someone who doesn't mean very much to me and bury all these emotions I still have until I can't feel them as much anymore... then have them hit me out of no where one random day... I'm not exactly sure I could handle that. I feel like that would suck worse than just dealing with temporary loneliness. Regardless, I like where I'm at. I feel like I'm climbing Mt. Everest (i chose Everest because i feel like its the easiest one to spell) and I'm going up little by little but I'm just approaching the very top of it... no way of knowing for sure or not but I feel like if I was going to climb a mountain I would get pretty pissed at that point wanting to just get over the hump already! So I feel like thats where I am. I'm incredibly ansi, anxious, nervous, uncomfortable and tired. I'm just ready to finally see the downhill. I'm ready to see the other side of things. Not to say I've been miserable in this journey, I feel as if I've gotten to know a whole new me. Who knew I was an introvert... or at least i feel like it half the time... who knew that I enjoyed being alone more than I enjoyed being with people news to me. I had no idea!! I love it though. I love knowing that I don't HAVE to have someone there 24/7 to depend on. Its comforting to know that I can be fine alone. However with that comes loneliness... I know i said earlier that I enjoyed being alone but I would be lying completely if I said I didn't miss companionship at all. I think it may be the weather. I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and he said it always in the fall and winter when loneliness kicks it into high gear... he's so right. I miss having someone to snug up next to to keep warm, or hold hands in his pocket to keep my hand warm/ have our fingers intertwined at the same time. So I don't have that again this year... which is fine. I'd rather be alone and lonely than jump into a relationship with someone who I don't care about... I can't do it. I'll take my time, be selective and hang out in the meantime... I am in no rush, I'm almost 21. Just because my friends are getting married and what not doesn't mean that I have to. I've realized that. I'm young I have plenty of time to play and hang out and meet people. Travel, work and do things for me. I'm excited to see whats on the other side of this mountain... I'm almost over the top of it. PUMPED.

so thats my schpeal. (sp)

I Get Lonely Too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13LRJR0mE1s

INTERESTINGGGGG

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

No wonder.

Shmello

Random thoughts from people our age...

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

back.AGAIN

well.HEY guys! It's most certainly been a minute since our last little convo! but

schools back in session which means I need a reason to procrastinate... lucky.YOU.

This time around instead of getting into the weird awkward little vent sessions I'll

probably posting a ton of stuff on fashion, sports, hot guys, photography and

whatever the heck else I want because its my.BLOG. I may very well offend you so

might I go ahead and apologize for that... I'm going to blame my sweet background

on my page... it makes me feel hard.CORE.

I'm pumped about blogging round 2 though. I have a feeling I'm going to get a lot

more into it this time around.

get.HYPED.

oneword.FIERCE