i was sitting in bible study this morning and my teacher used a word that hit me spot on... DESENSITIZED... boom. thats it. i've become desensitized to the urgency of christ in my life. my mind and soul are screaming out for him yet my body doesnt move.
now, i should follow that up by saying this isnt the first time i've felt this way... as a matter of fact i have felt this way for an incredibly long time. i'm happy but i'm miserable. i'm sad but i'm laughing. i'm alone yet i'm surrounded. I understand that everyone has different levels to them... however, i'm pretty convinced i'm a certified psycho. true story. i think i'm insane. my mind doesn't work the way a normal persons does. i have barriers built up that make it nearly impossible for someone to know me. even people i've known for years and years and years and years dont have me figured out. just when I think i'll do one thing i shock myself and do the complete opposite. i'm constantly unsure of what my mind will think of or do next. there is never any rhyme or reason for doing the things i do or say. its safe to say i get stressed out.
in my mind i want christ to be the center of my life. i want to have that light in my eyes that used to be there... i need it. i used to know it so well. this is where that word i was talking about earlier comes into play. i dont know when or why it happened but at one point i became desensitized... not just to christ or his incredibly indescribably wonderful love for us but everything, everyone. i lost passion for most things i used to love. if you look in my eyes now and really focus you'll see a dullness. the fire has been gone. and i so deeply need it back. i want it back. i have no idea how to get it back. i tell myself i want to read the bible tonight and talk to God... fact is... i dont even know where to begin. i get started then i feel silly because i'm not getting direct results... apparently i want god resemble a microwave, put in for 3 1/2 minutes then open, stir and boom on fire. well... years have passed and i still have yet to figure out that isnt how things work. i believe its safe to say i'm a slow learner as well as i have lost the urgency to learn about christ's love.
so here i am. back at the place i always get to. wanting more. always wanting more. i truly do desire christ. and i know i can experience his love again... even though i'm terrified its too late. he's given up on me. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's standing directly behind me waiting for me to let go of what i've been holding onto and turn and fall into his arms. there are many things i would say i've held onto in the past but there are even fewer that i know for a fact that i can not give him a hug while holding onto these things. THINGS. not significant things that will go to heaven with me one day... just memories. my unwillingness to let go of something that can and never will be again. bitter? yeah, i guess you could say these few years i've struggled i've held onto bitterness... not towards anyone in particular just bitterness to everything. i was in a dark place this time last year... and i guess thats where it really began to go downhill for me and my relationship with christ. it had been a long time coming. i had been slowly backing away from christ for years now... slowly getting further and further away for no reason particular. i had just been around it my whole life and already "knew everything there was to know" i was such an idiot. i know me. i know i can spout of the most beautifully well spoken church answers better than anyone. while everyone is sitting and nodding their heads at my profound words, all the while i'm thinking that you guys are all idiots... i'm literally making up everything i'm saying. just saying whatever comes to mind but stringing the words together like a beautiful symphony. what.a.joke.
(that was a hefty paragraph)
i guess i've just been thinking a lot lately and really trying to face myself in my internal mirror. i hate what i see. i see an insincere, dull, heartless, and DESENSITIZED human being. who knows there is so much more to learn and who knows what its like to love christ and grow to be more like him and who is completely turning her back and pretending like it isnt really there. how lame.
this isnt even the direction i originally had when beginning this post... but well i think this is just another process for me to look in my internal mirrow... i am able to see my thoughts written down. its an outlet for me to let my mind say what it really needs to say without having the words flow from my mouth... am i tricking myself right now?? regardless... i want to change. i want to have "that fire in my eyes" in the words of casting crowns again. i'm pathetic, dull and empty on the inside. however, anyone else would say i'm alive, vibrant and full. i'm pretty tricky.
so i guess thats about all i have on that matter. i'm sure there will be plenty more where that came from. i'm going to try to blog more about my process and growth. you guys will be my friends. my community. as my great friend angie always ALWAYS tries to shove down my throat that i need a community. so maybe by me blogging it will fill the roll of my community... i mean after all, it is the worldwideweb... somebody is bound to read this... right?